your room smells of hookers.
And success
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
