Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
