I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drake has all the answers
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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