You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
BRING THE BAGELS
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