I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
