I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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