Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
