Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
