there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
