We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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