So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
