I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
