So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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