i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
how drunk are you?
Several
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
