Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
