mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
