I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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