the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
