Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In America we eat man semen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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