Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
