the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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