I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
