I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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