cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
