News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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