he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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