dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I love you. Go after that dick
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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