please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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