dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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