the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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