I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
