Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
