I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
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I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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