Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
