Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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