you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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