my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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