I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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