my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
