I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
