I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
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No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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