I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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