first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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