I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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