Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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