I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
if only i could text you this smell
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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