I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
