I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize