The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
