I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
