I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
