my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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