oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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